You Are Both Crazy! | Fostercare World

My husband and I are of the boomer generation and raised our families. We met in 1998 and fell in love. My husband almost didn?t date me because I still had a son at home. He was done raising children and wanted a woman with no complications. But I was too cute and charming for him to resist.

Things were great for a while but when my son entered his teens; we were headed for a rough road., When my son was grown and on his own, I approached my husband with the subject of foster care. He thought I was crazy and said, ?No Way!??Wouldn?t?even consider it with all the drama we had survived. I must have planted a seed because we would periodically discuss the idea. He finally said he would consider it. I was thrilled. Foster care had been my heart?s desire for many years, but it just never was the right time. I began setting up the details to start training. We were ready to commit. Well, I was, found out later my husband was?humouring?me. He would appear to try but then would figure out a way to get out of it while still looking like the good guy. He?didn?t?want to disappoint me, but?didn?t?want more kids to deal with.

I think everything is moving along fine, until we got back his test results from a check-up. The prostrate cancer was back. Five years earlier, he had undergone intensive radiation; he would have to do it again. This time seed implants. The foster care process came to a screeching halt. I was sad, but knew that my husband needed to focus on his health, to have a peaceful environment if he was going to fight this.

A year later the doctors were thrilled with his progress. We began discussing foster care again. He was still unsure, but agreed to really try this time. This was good enough for me. I knew I couldn?t make him or guilt him. This had to be a committed partnership if it was going to work. Our friends and family thought we were crazy. We should be traveling, fishing, knitting, relaxing, and sleeping. But we?weren?t?done, we could still make a difference. We took all the training, made the adjustments to the house to become licensed and waited.??We were approved in October through a private Christian agency. By March, still no kids. I had decided to switch over to the county. I knew there were children who needed us. I had the county packet all filled out when I got the call. Would we be willing to take two sisters for a short stay. The youngest was five and they wanted to get her out of the agency facility quickly. We had stipulated older kids, school age kids. I worked full time at my graphic art business out of my home. I needed the day to work, so no small children. I suppose the wait had made us desperate to get started so we said yes. Now, after the fact, I truly believe it was destiny, we were supposed to be the home and that is why we were childless.

I?ll never forget the Saturday morning when I watched them walk into the waiting area at the facility. They were so cute, but obviously scared. How odd to be picked up by a total stranger after you have been pulled from everything you know. To be told you were living with these strangers. I smiled and tried to reassure them, but it was awkward. You don?t want to be too aggressive, but you don?t want to be indifferent.

Just now while typing this, my little one climbed up in my lap. I asked her if she thought I was mean or nice when I got her that first day. She said??Mean?.

?Really, but I smiled at you.?

?Yeah, but I thought it was your mean smile,? she said.

Wow, I really did try to look friendly.

I brought the girls home, showed them their room and asked if they were hungry. It was so awkward. They were quiet and we could only get yes and no answers. I know we were over animated, too cheery and very annoying with our enthusiasm. I wanted to hug on them so bad, but did use restraint. We finally just let them be. They moved out to the back yard and were followed by our three dogs. We watched while the girls played with the dogs and began to relax. As we watched these lovely children, my anger began to build. How could someone abuse and neglect these sweet children? We didn?t have all the details but knew that the youngest child?s father was sitting in jail.

To break the ice, I took the girls grocery shopping. We had made a list of their favorite foods. It really was fun and they would grin every time a tasty choice went into the basket. By dinnertime, the stress was reduced. We talked about going to church in the morning, and they were excited.

Sunday morning was wonderful. My church family was so sweet and attentive to the girls. I know they felt loved and accepted. We went out to lunch afterward with my grown daughter and I noticed the youngest seemed lethargic compared to how chatty she had been that morning. She didn?t eat much and I checked her for a temperature. She was fine. Once home, she still appeared off. There was still no fever, just some congestion. By five o?clock, I was really worried. I told my husband that I was taking her to emergency to get her checked out. It felt like I was overacting, the stress of what she had been through would have wiped out a grown man. But I just knew in my core that something was wrong.

Once they checked her out in the emergency room, they explained that she was having an asthma complication. No one at the agency told us that she even had asthma. After several hours of breathing treatments and observation, they sent us home with a long list of medications that would become a daily regime. I left her home with my husband while I went to get the prescriptions filled.??When I returned, she was on my husband?s lap, looking very weak. I saw her belly popping when she breathed. ?I?m taking her back,? I told my husband. When we checked her temperature, she was burning up. Luckily a friend was living with us and was able to stay with our oldest. My husband drove us to the ER while I sat in back making sure our little one was breathing.

Once we got to the hospital, the staff surrounded us. She was put on machines, rushed to x-ray and we waited, scared to death. The doctors finally came in and explained that both lungs were solid pneumonia. Her oxygen levels were so low that she would not have survived the night. I felt myself conflicted with nausea from the near tragedy and relief that we had gotten her to the hospital in time.??She was admitted and I opted to stay overnight with her. My husband reluctantly left but had to get up early for work the next morning.

It was a difficult night. The nurses were in and out all night; my daughter would awaken and cry in fear. I?d comfort her as a mother would, it seemed to help but she didn?t know me. Early in the am she appeared stable and was sleeping soundly.??I needed to get home, get a few things since we?d be at the hospital for several days. I also needed to notify my clients that I was out of the office until further notice. They were all wonderful about the unexpected departure.

I was gone a short time, but returned to bedlam. My daughter had woken up and realized I was gone, and went postal. This was very dangerous for her physically. Her room was filled with doctors, nurses and an airvac crew trying to calm her down. The hospital felt that she needed extraordinary measures and had alerted Oakland Children?s Hospital. When she saw me, she stopped screaming and thrashing. She cried softly and reached for me while calling me mommy. My heart broke. In her fear, I was it. I was mom in this situation. The airvac pilot asked me if I had ever ridden in a helicopter and was I claustrophobic. I said I hadn?t and I wasn?t. ?Would you go with us? I need to have her calm for the flight and you?re the only thing that?s working. We do not want to sedate her.?

?Of course, ? I said.

Once we arrived at the children?s hospital, I spend five days in ICU. Don?t know if you have ever spent the night in ICU, but it was miserable. Sleeping in a chair crammed into the two feet between the hospital bed and the curtain. No bathroom or food privileges for parents. You have to leave the area. This wouldn?t be bad except for the panicked faces of the nurses confirming that you would be right back! Whenever I left, my daughter became quit obstinate and loud. Sadly, the nurses would tell me that I was the first foster mom to stay with their child. Second day in I developed a sinus infection and couldn?t talk or breath. The weekend came and my husband demanded that I come home to rest and he would take the weekend. He is such a good hubby.

My daughter was hospitalized for ten days. Friends helped out the last couple of days, and luckily, as she got better, her attitude improved. Once home, we began a very serious regiment of treatments and medications.??She has gotten pneumonia four times in eighteen months. Things are much better now, but we have to keep a close eye on her. The doctors believe she will outgrow the asthma and can enjoy a normal life.

While I was away, our oldest daughter was in total confusion. She was pulled out of home, school, and her sister was close to death. I felt so bad that I had been whisked away and hadn?t been able to be there for the transition.

After a year of parenting our girls, we were told that they would not be returning home and that they would be eligible for adoption. I never intended to adopt. I figured we?d foster until we couldn?t. I was also concerned about our age. I will be seventy when the youngest is eighteen. My husband is five years older than myself.??This is not the best situation for a child. But my husband began suggesting that we consider adopting the girls. I looked at this man who wouldn?t date me due to a son; now wanting to commit a lifetime to these two girls. I wondered who switched him out. I now know that it was God?s grace that touched my husband. He was smitten and couldn?t bear to lose our family.

I talked with the social workers and expressed my concern about our ages. The girls deserved young parents that would be able to do all the things I did with my kids. The reality was sobering. My older daughter?s delay and health issues would remove any adoption possibilities. The youngest was almost six and that was pushing the age limit. Most people want babies and toddlers.??The other complication was that the court would not want to separate the siblings. The odds of finding parents willing to adopt both the girls would be astronomical. They would more than likely continue in foster care until they were adults.

My husband and I sat down and really looked at the benefits and complications. We were relieved that financial assistance and medical coverage would continue. There was no way we could financially support two children for twelve years at our ages on our own. We even discussed if we died. My husband?s position was that they would be no worse off than they were right now. We would have whatever time we had left to encourage, nurture and love them. If they ended back up in the system, it would be unavoidable, not because of terrible choices their parents made.

I still wasn?t convinced. This was not the plan. My husband looked into my face and told me to close my eyes. I did.???Now I want you to picture the social worker at the front door, telling the girls to get their belongings. They were leaving with her and not coming back. Can you see that happening????I couldn?t. In that moment I realized that these were my kids. I loved them and I would do anything I had to.

I often hear how special my husband and I are. How generous, giving and self-sacrificing we are. But this is the reality. When I pictured the girls leaving, it was partly about their pain and confusion, but it was also about my loss. Our house is crazy, active and filled with laughter, energy and love. We have kids visiting, activities, appointments, crying, attitudes, accomplishments and sheer joy! Our daughters have brought life back into our home. We are not done. We have love and wisdom to share and deciding to foster and now adopt has been the most profound decisions we have ever made. We are planning an adoption celebration this July. Water slide, food, family and friends to join us begin our journey as a permanent family.

We still face some big struggles, not kidding myself that this is going to be a breeze. My girls have suffered a lot of damage at the hands of their biological family and healing will be slow. But I see it beginning. They are defining who they are and they are not unloved, insignificant victims. They are a hopeful hop-hop dancer, teacher, mother, doctor and policewoman. They now have a chance to have a full, productive life with parents that will protect and nurture them.

My daughters want us to continue fostering other kids. They want them to have a home and family with us. I think it?s a great idea.??My husband, however, says ?No Way!?, but I?ve heard that before. ;o)

This post was written and contributed by Karen Arnpriester, a foster carer and author of a Christian fiction novel about a young girl who was thrown into the foster care system. You can purchase the book on Amazon here -

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